Good morning, friends!

Last week, I published my interview with Jason Halbert, the behavioral scientist who has interviewed serial killers, terrorists, spies, and startup founders.

In the interview, he made an interesting point about how we all have an “ideal self” and an “actual self.” (Hint: your “ideal self” is the one that lives in your social media profiles.)

He said:

Many people think, ‘Unfortunately, if people only really knew who I actually was, no one would love me.’ So [they] create this ideal self. This ideal self is what I put out there. I put it on Instagram, I put it out there all the time. It’s exhausting. You start liking this ideal self. Now, I’m more exhausted because I have to imitate this, but God, if you knew the bad people I dated, the drugs that I’ve done, the money I’ve stolen. And this is why we conflate affection with attention.

So you really want to know when you feel great, it’s when you put this ‘actual self’ out and people reciprocate. Now you’re like, ‘Wow, this is what real connective tissue feels like because you know my demons, and you still love me?’

I think we are struggling because we have this dual identity because of technology, but try to surround yourself with people and things that help you close the gap between ‘actual’ and ‘ideal.’

For most people, “sharing themselves” online means carefully curating an identity that exaggerates some qualities while repressing others that they consider to be undesirable.

It reminded me of something I once heard author Tara Westover say. “Online, no one has acne or dark circles or a temper; no one washes dishes, does laundry or scrubs toilets,” Westover says. “Mostly, we brunch. And we take exotic, rarified vacations. We pet sea turtles. We throw ourselves from airplanes.”

Online, she says, we repress our ignorance, and therefore, we deny ourselves the capacity to learn. We repress our faults, and we deny our capacity to change.

Westover reminds us to appreciate the “un-instagrammable self,” the part of us that we don’t put online.

Remember, people are often drawn to things that are done imperfectly. Whether it’s art, movies, or books, people tend to talk more about the flawed things that get stuck in their heads than they do the obvious, perfect things.

As Malcolm Gladwell says, “You want an aftertaste, and that comes from not everything being perfectly blended together.”

— Polina

P.S: Now that I’m back in New York, I want to moderate more in-person conversations. If you or someone you know is looking to hire a moderator for an upcoming event, keep me in mind! You can send opportunities to polina@readtheprofile.com

PROFILES.

— The parenting guru offering practical solutions [**HIGHLY RECOMMEND**]
— The player re-defining the game of basketball
— The Hermès bag designer tasked with creating a new icon
— The former First Lady on making her own way
— The rapper who started a charter school

PEOPLE TO KNOW.

The parenting guru offering practical solutions: Becky Kennedy, a child psychologist known as Dr. Becky to her 2.4 million Instagram followers — making her one of the most influential figures in contemporary parenting — believes that parents should approach their roles with the same degree of seriousness as medical students training to be doctors. “To me, being a parent is that level of importance of a job,” she says in this profile. Here’s how anxious parents have turned Dr. Becky into a full-blown celebrity. (New York Magazine; if you can’t access the article, try this link.) (For more, read my Profile Dossier on Dr. Becky here.)

“You know how kids learn right from wrong? From talking to them. And from watching your parental behavior.”

The player re-defining the game of basketball: What does it mean to be 22 years old with your dreams just within reach? That’s where Caitlin Clark finds herself in March 2024. She has announced her intention to enter the WNBA draft. Her future has begun, the world she built during four life-changing years in Iowa City. All the things she wants to be are there to be grasped. This is an excellent profile. (ESPN)

“She wants to be the greatest that ever was.”

The Hermès bag designer tasked with creating a new icon: Priscila Alexandre Spring is the creative director of leather goods at Hermès. She likes designing bags, in particular, because they reflect the relationship between “your private life and your exterior life.” This is a fascinating look inside the mind of a designer. (The New York Times; if you can’t access the article, try this link.)

“Everything is a work in progress.”

The former First Lady on making her own way: Following her separation from Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, Sophie Grégoire Trudeau got the Vogue profile treatment. Her split from Justin—communicated via Instagram in August—had been a surprise, not least to those who had once judged the Trudeaus #CouplesGoals. (As I always say, #CouplesGoals is a trap.) Of all the immediate changes to Grégoire Trudeau’s life, the most startling was a newfound freedom. (Vogue)

“We just don’t recognize the amount of work that the support person has to do in order for the ‘main character’ to do their job.”

COMPANIES TO WATCH.

The rapper who started a charter school: You might have heard of Capital Preparatory Harlem, the charter school that rapper Sean “Diddy” Combs co-founded in 2016, the same year Forbes named him the richest man in hip-hop. The school is advertised as a posh college-prep academy with high-end facilities and a board that has included a number of Black public figures. It’s part of a network of charter schools that has attracted high-profile donors like Andreessen Horowitz and the Koch Foundation. Now, parents enticed by Capital Prep are calling it a disaster. Fourteen people, including parents, students, and former employees, describe an extremely dysfunctional school environment marked by high teacher turnover and frequent violence. (New York Magazine; if you can’t access the article, try this link.)

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